life changes

in the blink of an eye. literally. it's hard to even realize what is happening. i just hope and pray it really does work out for the best, for everyone. i don't want to lose touch with my dad. it's kind of ironic how someone can hurt you so much through your life, but no matter what.. you will always love them. maybe it's just me? but my heart works in a silly way. i guess i haven't really felt sorry for myself. well. i have. but not publically. for 15 years i've tried my best to keep it together. tried to stay positive. i guess this this will be better. god i hope it will be better. all i can do is put all my faith in god, he will do what is right. (please do what is right). he will take care of it all. (please take care of it all). i hope he has a plan.. (please have a plan). i guess you get so used to the way things are, you forget what they should be like. you forget that everything really should be happy. if everything isn't happy, what's even the point of going on? i do think this wasn't done in necessarily the correct way. i would've done it differently... well i guess i don't know. who am i to judge. i guess i don't realize how bad things are until someone else brings it to my attention. when i hear things like "i feel sorry for you guys, it's been rough hasn't it?" and "even since you were little you never said anything about it. must have been really really hard" well, yes. but it was my life. and you did what you had to do to keep on keepin on. i just hope my dad knows i love him. and i still want him in my life. it's just better this way. this is when i feel guilty. i don't really know where the guilt comes from. i can't find where the guilt is coming from.. but it's somewhere. i always find myself wanting to just fast forward.. and get to where things are better again. but what if they don't ever get better? well, once again, i just pray to god they will. maybe i care too much. i always thought i didn't care at all. but i really cared too much. i don't show it... but you can see it in my eyes. you can see it through my silence. maybe? i wish i had the courage to say the things i need to say. but i just can't. i don't know. life for 15 years has been hard. to say the least. i mean, i don't regret them. and i wouldn't change anything... well.. okay maybe i would. but i believe god has a plan for me. and everything has been part of that plan. we'll see how things will end up.. it's going to be hard for a really long time. it's going to be hard to get my feelings together. it's going to be hard to deal with this. but hey, that's what my life has always been about. i've gotten through everything. i can get through this. we all can..