the secret

still living and learning. trying to turn this thing around and make it work out the best i can. going to use the secret because, well it seemed to help me in the past. even if it is false hope; it sure does make you feel better about things.


<3

keep looking up

every day is a new day, a new hope, a new struggle, a new outlook. i'm learning to just move on. not let one bad day affect me long term. you only have one life. you gotta live it one day at a time, the best you can. i still have a lot to learn and a lot to change. i think my biggest struggle is i know who i want to be, i just don't know how to get there. still working on it, one day at a time.


<3

2007 in a nutshell

1. Did you fall in love? nope
2. Did you get any new friends? yess
3. Did you start dis-liking someone? yeah
4. Did your heart get broken? nope
5. If you could change some thing about this past year, what would it be? everything happens for a reason. so i would change nothing.
6. Are you happy with how things turned out? no.
7. Did you get any tattoos? Where and what of? no
8. Did you get any thing pierced? Where? no
9. What's your new favorite color? blue
10. Did you do any thing life changing? everything that happens is life changing is it not?
11. Favorite piece of clothing? probably sweatpants.. haha
12. Did you go to any parties? maybe 1?
!13. Did you have any surgeries? no
14. Do you like our president? i don't know enough about him
15. Do you support our troops? yeah
16. Were you in the relay for life? .. ?
17. Did you get engaged/married? to nick jonas :P
18. How many bf/gf's did you have? none. surprise! not
19. What's your favorite thing you got for christmas last year? last year, as in 06? hm.. i can't even remember anything.
20. What's the thing you want the most this year for Christmas? well, i got an ipod
21. Has anybody you loved passed away? no
22. How's school going so far? well.. grades are amazing, everything else is bad.
23. Did you get any pets this year? nope
24. Did someone close to you let you down? yeah
25. Any vacations in 2007? nope.
26. What are you looking forward to most in 2008? losing weight, more concerts, maybe getting a boyfriend :/ .. i'm always so hopeful ha
27. How old did you turn this year? 15
28. Where did you start 2007? kt's
29. Who was your first kiss of 2007? ...
30. If you could end the year with someone in particular, who would it be? not sure.

life changes

in the blink of an eye. literally. it's hard to even realize what is happening. i just hope and pray it really does work out for the best, for everyone. i don't want to lose touch with my dad. it's kind of ironic how someone can hurt you so much through your life, but no matter what.. you will always love them. maybe it's just me? but my heart works in a silly way. i guess i haven't really felt sorry for myself. well. i have. but not publically. for 15 years i've tried my best to keep it together. tried to stay positive. i guess this this will be better. god i hope it will be better. all i can do is put all my faith in god, he will do what is right. (please do what is right). he will take care of it all. (please take care of it all). i hope he has a plan.. (please have a plan). i guess you get so used to the way things are, you forget what they should be like. you forget that everything really should be happy. if everything isn't happy, what's even the point of going on? i do think this wasn't done in necessarily the correct way. i would've done it differently... well i guess i don't know. who am i to judge. i guess i don't realize how bad things are until someone else brings it to my attention. when i hear things like "i feel sorry for you guys, it's been rough hasn't it?" and "even since you were little you never said anything about it. must have been really really hard" well, yes. but it was my life. and you did what you had to do to keep on keepin on. i just hope my dad knows i love him. and i still want him in my life. it's just better this way. this is when i feel guilty. i don't really know where the guilt comes from. i can't find where the guilt is coming from.. but it's somewhere. i always find myself wanting to just fast forward.. and get to where things are better again. but what if they don't ever get better? well, once again, i just pray to god they will. maybe i care too much. i always thought i didn't care at all. but i really cared too much. i don't show it... but you can see it in my eyes. you can see it through my silence. maybe? i wish i had the courage to say the things i need to say. but i just can't. i don't know. life for 15 years has been hard. to say the least. i mean, i don't regret them. and i wouldn't change anything... well.. okay maybe i would. but i believe god has a plan for me. and everything has been part of that plan. we'll see how things will end up.. it's going to be hard for a really long time. it's going to be hard to get my feelings together. it's going to be hard to deal with this. but hey, that's what my life has always been about. i've gotten through everything. i can get through this. we all can..

divorce.

found out on the christmas on my 15th year of living. i've always kind of wanted it, i know it will be better. i hope it will be better. i pray it will be better.








....

christmas

better than my expectations. not because of the gifts, but because of the family. now i'm ready for new years.


<3








hours later:
of course it was too good to be true. i can't have 2 sober parents for just one complete day? not even christmas? i hope to God i don't have a family like this.

realize

honesty is the best policy:


friends- they leave you. take you for granted. don't care about you. lie to you. what's the point? you spend all your time looking for a group of best friends but it always ends up the same way. they use you and then they leave you. they are better than you, cooler than you... you're worthless. at least you have that 1 person, or those 2 people, that you know you can count on no matter what. then i guess that's all you need, right? well, i wish it was that simple.

family- i wish i had the perfect one. like in movies and tv, even like some people i know. i don't understand. why ask me what's wrong when you already know? you won't change. i'm just over it. (but i'm obviously not, nor will i ever be). i'm just lonely. everyone is so caught up in there own pathetic crap. i'm lonely. i hope it's not like this forever...

the holiday season- too short this year. i feel like it hasn't even come yet. maybe it's because it's just not the same anymore. i guess it's just me. i don't care about the presents or the money.. i just wish i had something special. love.

myself- i really don't know. i just want to get out of this stage. i want to be my own person, live my own life, and do things the way i want. i don't want the walls of my room to hold me in. i'm sick of it, i don't want this. i'm sick of my body, my face, my clothes, my hair, my everything. my insecurities are stopping me from living and loving. and it's killing me. and yet i can't find the time to change. i feel worthless and boring. i'm lazy and lonely. i act like i'm okay with it, but i'm not. then why don't i just change? well, i don't know.



have no fear for giving in
have no fear for getting older
you better know that in the end it's better to say too much
than never to say what you need to say again
- john mayer