2007 in a nutshell

1. Did you fall in love? nope
2. Did you get any new friends? yess
3. Did you start dis-liking someone? yeah
4. Did your heart get broken? nope
5. If you could change some thing about this past year, what would it be? everything happens for a reason. so i would change nothing.
6. Are you happy with how things turned out? no.
7. Did you get any tattoos? Where and what of? no
8. Did you get any thing pierced? Where? no
9. What's your new favorite color? blue
10. Did you do any thing life changing? everything that happens is life changing is it not?
11. Favorite piece of clothing? probably sweatpants.. haha
12. Did you go to any parties? maybe 1?
!13. Did you have any surgeries? no
14. Do you like our president? i don't know enough about him
15. Do you support our troops? yeah
16. Were you in the relay for life? .. ?
17. Did you get engaged/married? to nick jonas :P
18. How many bf/gf's did you have? none. surprise! not
19. What's your favorite thing you got for christmas last year? last year, as in 06? hm.. i can't even remember anything.
20. What's the thing you want the most this year for Christmas? well, i got an ipod
21. Has anybody you loved passed away? no
22. How's school going so far? well.. grades are amazing, everything else is bad.
23. Did you get any pets this year? nope
24. Did someone close to you let you down? yeah
25. Any vacations in 2007? nope.
26. What are you looking forward to most in 2008? losing weight, more concerts, maybe getting a boyfriend :/ .. i'm always so hopeful ha
27. How old did you turn this year? 15
28. Where did you start 2007? kt's
29. Who was your first kiss of 2007? ...
30. If you could end the year with someone in particular, who would it be? not sure.

life changes

in the blink of an eye. literally. it's hard to even realize what is happening. i just hope and pray it really does work out for the best, for everyone. i don't want to lose touch with my dad. it's kind of ironic how someone can hurt you so much through your life, but no matter what.. you will always love them. maybe it's just me? but my heart works in a silly way. i guess i haven't really felt sorry for myself. well. i have. but not publically. for 15 years i've tried my best to keep it together. tried to stay positive. i guess this this will be better. god i hope it will be better. all i can do is put all my faith in god, he will do what is right. (please do what is right). he will take care of it all. (please take care of it all). i hope he has a plan.. (please have a plan). i guess you get so used to the way things are, you forget what they should be like. you forget that everything really should be happy. if everything isn't happy, what's even the point of going on? i do think this wasn't done in necessarily the correct way. i would've done it differently... well i guess i don't know. who am i to judge. i guess i don't realize how bad things are until someone else brings it to my attention. when i hear things like "i feel sorry for you guys, it's been rough hasn't it?" and "even since you were little you never said anything about it. must have been really really hard" well, yes. but it was my life. and you did what you had to do to keep on keepin on. i just hope my dad knows i love him. and i still want him in my life. it's just better this way. this is when i feel guilty. i don't really know where the guilt comes from. i can't find where the guilt is coming from.. but it's somewhere. i always find myself wanting to just fast forward.. and get to where things are better again. but what if they don't ever get better? well, once again, i just pray to god they will. maybe i care too much. i always thought i didn't care at all. but i really cared too much. i don't show it... but you can see it in my eyes. you can see it through my silence. maybe? i wish i had the courage to say the things i need to say. but i just can't. i don't know. life for 15 years has been hard. to say the least. i mean, i don't regret them. and i wouldn't change anything... well.. okay maybe i would. but i believe god has a plan for me. and everything has been part of that plan. we'll see how things will end up.. it's going to be hard for a really long time. it's going to be hard to get my feelings together. it's going to be hard to deal with this. but hey, that's what my life has always been about. i've gotten through everything. i can get through this. we all can..

divorce.

found out on the christmas on my 15th year of living. i've always kind of wanted it, i know it will be better. i hope it will be better. i pray it will be better.








....

christmas

better than my expectations. not because of the gifts, but because of the family. now i'm ready for new years.


<3








hours later:
of course it was too good to be true. i can't have 2 sober parents for just one complete day? not even christmas? i hope to God i don't have a family like this.

realize

honesty is the best policy:


friends- they leave you. take you for granted. don't care about you. lie to you. what's the point? you spend all your time looking for a group of best friends but it always ends up the same way. they use you and then they leave you. they are better than you, cooler than you... you're worthless. at least you have that 1 person, or those 2 people, that you know you can count on no matter what. then i guess that's all you need, right? well, i wish it was that simple.

family- i wish i had the perfect one. like in movies and tv, even like some people i know. i don't understand. why ask me what's wrong when you already know? you won't change. i'm just over it. (but i'm obviously not, nor will i ever be). i'm just lonely. everyone is so caught up in there own pathetic crap. i'm lonely. i hope it's not like this forever...

the holiday season- too short this year. i feel like it hasn't even come yet. maybe it's because it's just not the same anymore. i guess it's just me. i don't care about the presents or the money.. i just wish i had something special. love.

myself- i really don't know. i just want to get out of this stage. i want to be my own person, live my own life, and do things the way i want. i don't want the walls of my room to hold me in. i'm sick of it, i don't want this. i'm sick of my body, my face, my clothes, my hair, my everything. my insecurities are stopping me from living and loving. and it's killing me. and yet i can't find the time to change. i feel worthless and boring. i'm lazy and lonely. i act like i'm okay with it, but i'm not. then why don't i just change? well, i don't know.



have no fear for giving in
have no fear for getting older
you better know that in the end it's better to say too much
than never to say what you need to say again
- john mayer

let love in

i have a lot of love to give and no one to give it to. i've always kind of wanted to save the world, or maybe just one person. would anyone care? the feeling of being taken for granted leads to horrible thoughts. is it possible to want to give up, but want to keep going at the same time? i have so much faith, i know things will get better. i just want to skip all the bad parts and get to my future. but i know that is impossible, you can't have the good without the bad. but when do the people living for the good stop being put through the bad? i just want to start living.

post secret

"nostalgias thick as the august air, it takes us back to a time when we didn't care" things sure do change a lot. friendships are broken as easily as promises are. you're in the place you hate to be, been there too many times. but you always feel like you're doing the right thing. are you? maybe you're in the wrong, and that's the problem. but you know your right. you just know it.


my secret: i have too many of them


<3

asleep at the wheel

i need a break. one more day and that's it. i need to get on track. it makes me sick when i think of all i've let go. i'd love to just get over it and live with it, but i know i need to change. whatever, i can't dwell on it.. it makes me crazy. (like i'm not already crazy enough ;]) i'm really getting tired of all of it. literally tired. sleeping is the best way out.


<3

why did i even make this?

i've been thinking about that. i really don't know. maybe it's because i secretly think i have thoughts that are actually worth being heard, although i would never tell them (who would listen?) or maybe i just wish my thoughts were worthy of being heard. i think i'm wise, but maybe i know nothing. but maybe i do. i've been confused lately.. thinking about life. how things change, how things are over rated, what's right and what's wrong. i want to go into a cacoon and completely change. well, not completely. i guess i have the power to change the things i want to, i just need a little motivation. i've been seeking that motivation and have yet to find it. i know i can do anything when i put my heart and soul into it, it just takes the right time for that to happen. i can't make myself do anything i don't want to do in my heart. i've been feeling some regret lately which is really out of the ordinary. for just random little things i've said or done in the past that haven't meant anyting until now when i think about them. it's funny, even though i know people won't read this.. i still can't spill out all of my feelings. maybe this will have some signifigance someday, most likely not, other than the fact i'll be able to look back and see how goofy i was. oh, and yes i did play in the snow today.



<3

snow on a saturday

what good does it do? nothing. i'd rather have it right in the middle of the week, everyone needs a little break from school. especially final exams, that's a joke. i think it's funny how in movies, playing in the snow is always so cute and fun. maybe it's just me, but when i play in the snow... there is nothing cute about it. i'm wearing 5 pairs of pants, 3 hoodies, 2 hats, and at least 2 scarves. and for the fun part, well i guess it's fun for about 30 minutes until you start freezing to death. and even though i know the ugly truth about playing in the snow, i'm sure i'll be out there tommorow building a snowman and running around like an idiot.


<3